The other night I was at a High Priest’s social. A number of us were sitting round the table discussing soccer refs. One of the men was telling us about how he had been red carded in some games and proceed to explain to us how he had addressed the referee. His version had him speaking quite calmly and politely. His wife gave another interpretation, adding hand gestures and a rather different vocal inflection. One of the other men said that sounded like his home when he would hear his daughters arguing, having a rambunctious cat fight and he would ask what happened. The reply was that the one sister had very nicely asked the other to put her sweater back in the closet as permission had not been asked to borrow it.
This got me thinking, not about how we often misrepresent our harsh voices in conflict, but about how I don’t recall ever hearing my kids having a fight. I have vague memories of someone throwing a doll over a room divider that resulted in a ruined Magna Doodle board, but other than that the kids were very civil to one another. I know they had disagreements and I’m sure there were hurt feelings at times, but I really don’t recall any of them going after each other.
My guess is, and it is a poor reflection on me, that because I lost my temper so often and they saw how awful that was, that either consciously or subconsciously they decided that was not the way to handle disagreements.
I hope they are able to continue showing respect in their own families, the married kids to their spouses and children, siblings and in-laws, and the two “little ones” to everyone else and their future spouses and children. It takes a great deal of control to keep one’s temper when we are tired, sick or upset, or if we feel taken for granted ,threatened or belittled by another. Even if we have a great deal of love and respect for an individual, it can be difficult to control emotions. It is not good to hold everything in, because then resentment can build and even more harsh and painful words and actions can occur. However, I believe it is possible to address conflicts in reasonable, loving and considerate ways. I am trying hard to do that now.
French Bread
10 years ago
3 comments:
I have found that my emotions are kept in check better when I am close to the spirit. When I am praying often and studying the scriptures and doing service, and putting the Lord first, I don't lash out and I can evaluate a situation better so I don't say hurtful things.
And Josh and I bickered a lot. But not we're best friends!!
You and Josh bickered??? I thought he just teased you and you wanted him to feel loved so you pretended to get upset.
You're right on. I remember times (like in Middle School) when you and I would have some amazing yelling fights! It was actually a gradual, yet conscious, realization that yelling solved nothing. Neither of us listened to what the other person was saying. At some point I stopped matching you and simply waited until you were finished with your emotional outbursts then went to my room and let my frustration out by throwing and hitting pillows and just crying on my bed. As much as I don't like such memories and I don't think yelling is the right way to discipline, I have to say that good came from it as I learned to keep my emotions in check. Not that I'm perfect, by all means, but I have noticed that I have a period of calm in which to choose my emotion. Sometimes I consciously choose to be upset and frustrated, but it's not just a reaction; it's a choice I make. I feel that I am doing much better at choosing to not get upset. Even when I'm upset, due to a personal goal made at some point during one of your outbursts, I don't yell or lose my temper. I do know that it can be a weakness for me (knowing my past), so I constantly pray for the power to control myself. We'll see how well I succeed when my children are a little older! So far I think I've been fairly successful with the two kids I have and with my husband. It is also a goal of mine to never fight with Lee. (A speaker at Ricks said he and his wife had never fought in their whole marriage and I wanted to be able to say that about my spouse). The word "fight" can be interpreted in many ways, but basically I just want us to both be in control of emotions at all times. No yelling at each other or purposefully hurting one another. Some people feel this is impossible, but as I've heard someone say they have done it, I feel that it is possible and so far we are doing well. (It helps to have an amazing husband like Lee who keeps his emotions in check most of the time as well!)
I know this is a long comment already, but I have one more thing to say. It is true what you said that it's a lot harder to maintain composure when you're tired, hungry, etc. I remember an experience where I had been at a track meet all day with little food and probably not enough water. I was completely exhausted and probably had low blood sugar when I got home late in the evening. I remember frantically searching the fridge for something to help ease my headache and hunger pains. A few minutes later in the computer room (probably trying to cram in some last minute homework), Josh was trying to get my attention. I was preoccupied and obviously not feeling well and he just kept on until I hastily turned and snapped a quick, "what!" He timidly said "I love you." At least, I think that was what he said. It sounds kind of random, but it was something sweet that he said that made me feel ashamed for my short patience. It has made me realize two things. First of all, I need to do everything I can to live right, including physically, so that it isn't so hard to maintain control of myself. If I get good sleep and eat well, it's that much easier. Also, it taught me that even such circumstances are not excuses to lose it. It may take more effort, but it is still so important so that the ones you love always know that you love them, not just by word, but by behavior as well.
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